You see, I have adult ADHD. I do take meds for it, but even those don't always help because life happens 24/7. Meds work in approximately 4 hour chunks of time and take 30 minutes to get into my system and take effect. And although I am naturally a Night Owl, and do my best work alone, after the kid and Hubbs are asleep, I canNOT take the meds then, because they keep me from sleeping when I actually do need to go to bed. :/ So, I am chronically challenged by all sorts of things, but being late seems to be the "character flaw" that grates on the most people's nerves.
And so, I am rather a homebody. Maybe even hermit-ish. Some even say I am anti-social. Because I KNOW I am VERY intelligent. And have really AWESOME ideas. And am really GREAT at being present with folks in the moment. I am honestly one the most empathetic people I know. And, BOY, am I compassionate as a result! But when I run up against one of those people who can't seem to get past the fact that I was late, I forget all those amazing things about myself. Because I know that they can only see that I am late. And then they add to that, believing that I am therefore an unreliable and
selfish individual. Or they may think I am a complete idiot. Like tonight, I was invited to go bowling. The last time I went bowling with these folks, it was at Bowling Alley A, located about 30 minutes from my house. Tonight, the invite was to go to Bowling Alley B, which is only about 15 minutes away. But first, I had to pick up my daughter and I was already running late. :/ And so, I went about heading to the bowling Alley, thinking the whole time that I was headed for A, when I was really supposed to be at B. So, I got on the phone and passed my exit off the interstate, turned around, exited for Bowling Alley A, only to find out it was closed. As in, closed down. THAT was when I realized it was not named Bowling Alley B!!! (And let the record reflect that I am assuming that you have assumed that these are not the real names, but pseudonyms to protect the innocent bowling alleys in my area!)
So, at this point, I was rather frustrated and already feeling stupid, what with missing the exit for the wrong bowling alley altogether. BUT, I regrouped emotionally and realized I knew how to get from
A to B rather directly, without getting back on the interstate, which impressed even myself, LOL! So, FINALLY, we are on the way to the CORRECT place, when my friend calls and say they are getting ready to leave. Ugh. Ugh and UGH! :( I decide to show up anyway, just as literally the entire group is changing shoes and packing up children and heading out. By then, though, my kid wants to bowl, so I have to stay behind and sadly let her roll a few balls down the lane alone. Just me and her and one other friend, who is actually one of the folks I annoy the MOST with my tardiness. Can you spell HUMILIATING?!? :(
So, we finally leave and my mood plummets the closer we get to home, because I realize how silly it must have looked that we showed up as folks were leaving. It would have been MUCH easier for me to just go home!!! It was BRAVE of me to show up that late at all!!! But what folks will take home is that I was SEVERELY LATE and possibly STUPID for getting lost. Ugh. I hate, hate, HATE to appear stupid and flaky!!! I came home and cried. No joke. Even after trying to coach myself on the
way home to not care what others think about me.
And so, now, I am trying to remember Who I need to look to for contentment with my identity. I am trying to remember that He made me this way, with these challenges, for a reason...a reason I may never know or understand. I am trying to allow (isn't that a loaded word?!?) the Spirit to minister to me through these Truths:
--He has redeemed me, adopted me, called me His own.
--He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28, NASB)
The Message version of the Bible says it this way:
"26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
--He has “plans for good and not for evil, to give [me] a future and a hope." (Jer. 29:11, TLB).
--He wants me to think the best of others and myself! Philippians 4:8 says:
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy
of praise, think about these things." (ESV)
And again, The Message version fleshes the picture out a little more for me:
"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."
So, for now, I am writing this all out as a way to process my feelings. If you've read this far, pat yourself on the back and know that I am grateful, for that was quite the stream of consciousness essay! ;) And maybe me writing this out helps you, too, because you may realize you are not the only one who struggles with this life. Hopefully, I can learn to be better at time management. But even more importantly, maybe I can learn to not be so hard on myself by dwelling with those Truths more often.
Until then...
"The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
(Numbers 6:24-26, NIV)
Amy :)
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